still waiting.....

It's so weird what anticipation does.

Grandma is still holding on to life
not aware of much
except when someone does something She doesn't like
a moan or kick of her leg when they try to make her more comfortable,
and apparently didn't succeed
and when She surfaces to hear
someone talking to her
or singing
suddenly said, "I love you, too" to one of the grandkids last night.
Mostly, She is already gone.

So we wait for the phone call from so far away.

And this is where I have gone a little bit insane.

My Husband says, "Let's go for drive- get out for a bit."
and that sounds nice....
but what if she dies while we're out?
do I really want to be on the 101 when I hear the news?
what if we stop for lunch?
what if I'm in Hamburger Hamlet when I get the call?
"I'd rather just stay here."
thank God he understands me

We create these moments for ourselves.
I don't want to be in the shower
or
making the bed
eating Chinese food
scooping dog poop in the yard
yelling at the kids
watching Spongebob
putting gas in the car
at Home Depot

I don't know what the right scene is
I just know that there are some moments
that you can control a little

I can be sure that while we're waiting
the TV stays off
and I only let the kids play outside
or read
We put on instrumental music
and I keep lighting candles
and making nightly cozy fires
though it's 70+ spring weather now

maybe I'll plant some nasturtiums today
that might be alright

Why?
I guess it's because I don't want
to always know that I was standing in the grocery line
when I got the call.
That I was writing a check to the Gas company
Or talking to some teenager selling magazines
I don't want Hilary Duff to provide the soundtrack
to these last moments of Gram's life
or the first moments of her death.

I want to be right here
by my phone.
And when someone
who will it be?
calls to tell me
that it's finally happened
that She is finally gone
I want to remember this moment
as beautiful?
maybe
at least
not ugly
or
mundane
or
insignificant

Because this will be a defining moment in my life.
And I know nothing will ever be the same for me.
I will change
my life
will change
forever

And tomorrow I'll go back to scrambling eggs at leisure
but for now
I rush to finish
to make sure that I am done before the phone rings.
And I wait.

That doesn't even make sense.
But that's what anticipation does.