"On Death and Dying"

Now that she's gone,
finally
at
peace
I can say what has been
in the back of my mind
for the last 14 days

This is how Dad died.

he made the decision himself
with Mom
together
as they did everything else
praying and talking and planning


Together
they had an agreement

cancer
emphysema
heart attack
heart attack
cancer
cancer
cancer

yep, he smoked.

for awhile
he took it as his punishment
he did his penance

no more trumpet
no more golf
no more deli breakfasts
no more outings with friends
no more playtime
no more routine
no more joy
no more
no more
no more

but after a while
enough was enough
how much
was too much

so when it got bad
and he could no longer

eat
feeding tube
swallow
hydrating machine for mouth
go to the bathroom
enemas, tubes, pads
walk
bedridden
breathe
oxygen
sleep
morphine
talk
no, he kept talking...

barely above a whisper
breathing heavily
pausing between syllables
rationing his words
rationing his air
rationing his energy
rationing his life

to tell us
to
STOP

to let him go
to help him go
to be happy
when he was gone
for him
for us
no more pain
for any of us

so we did

with tears
and acceptance
and relief

stopped feeding
stopped grasping
stopped wanting
him
to live

his life
was his
to finish

with dignity?
no
there was little dignity left
in a 90 pound shell
withered
by pain
reliant on machines
unable to control
the most basic
bodily functions
incapable
of

everything
everything
but
dying

so he died
as he wanted
without fear
without mess
without trauma
on his own terms
he died
with
peace

peace

rest in peace