A Simple Question

It came up unexpectedly.
A five-year-old's innocent question, "Hey, does Diane have two mommies?"
with the "Hey" in there, like it was a sudden thought.

Diane is his cousin, and quite possibly the only girl besides his sisters that he will allow to hug him. She has been a part of his life since she was 4 months old, and is now nearly three. He doesn't remember not knowing her.
We have never really discussed her living arrangements, any more than we analyze anyone else's. In fact, Diane has a more interesting background than most, having made the journey to our living room via Vietnam and a lot of red tape. And we have talked about that, looked at maps and considered adoption for our family many times.
The Son knows how special that makes Diane. He knows that her parents wanted her so much that they went all the way around the world to find her. He knows that she may look Asian, but she talks American, just like he does, because she never spoke Vietnamese. He thinks that's pretty cool.
Diane's parents are my inlaws, once or twice removed. I'm not exactly sure how it all works legally, but they are "blood", and we adore them. When they brought baby Diane home, we cried for them, in joy and excitement - and if that sounds dramatic, it's not. We couldn't have been happier. And in the years that have ensued, Diane has become part of our clan of kids- visiting once a week or so, and making a place for herself in our hearts.

So it was a shock when the Son asked Diane's Mommy (not to be confused with her "Mama"-- he knows the difference) if Diane had two mommies. This apparently had never come up in conversation- or in his mind. But now that he is closing in on six and in school, perhaps this is a new issue.

Diane's Mommy- who, no doubt, has heard and will hear this question many, many times over the next decade or five- looked him in the eye and cheerfully answered, "Yes, she does!"

And we all waited for the other shoe to drop. You know, the part where he asks "why" or says something about needing to have a Daddy to make a baby, or lets me know that some brainwashing has already taken place in his Catholic school classroom. I wait to see where this will take us- already planning to have a talk with his teacher, or at least a sit down with my little Son....

Instead, our Son chirped, "Oh, o.k!', and hopped away.

And that was that.


It reminded me of my Oldest's 6 year old question years ago, "Mom, what does 'GAY' mean?"
At the time, we were in a restaurant with about 15 other people, and I was not at all prepared to answer that one. I told her that she should remind me to tell her when we got home, because it was a big answer, and I needed to think about it. She was fine with that, but did proceed to ask me repeatedly over the next few days. I wasn't totally avoiding the answer, it's just that she would ask in the middle of the grocery line, or as I walked her into her classroom, and, truthfully, I was glad that every time she asked me, "Mom, now will you tell me what 'GAY'means?", it was really not the right time.

Finally, she trapped me.
We were in the car: just the Oldest, the infant Middlest, Daddy and Me. Daddy and I had discussed this, and were ready.
It went something like this:

" You know most boys grow up and fall in love with girls, and most girls grow up and fall in love with boys, but SOME boys grow up and love other boys, and SOME girls grow up and love other girls. It's just the way God makes some people and we call them 'gay' people. It doesn't make them weird or bad or anything, even though some not very smart people think that God makes mistakes when He makes gay people. We know lots of gay people like Uncle Bobby and Uncle Terry, and you know that they are wonderful, special people...."

I went on like this for a few minutes, trying to instill in my Oldest the belief that homosexuality is not bad, is not scary, is not something to tease others about , is ok with Dad and Mom, is not something that gay people decide to be, just like she didn't get to decide to be right-handed or have ADD. I thought I was doing it all the right way, basking in motherly perfection, actually... and ended it with, "Why were you thinking about what 'gay' means?"

And my Oldest, in all her angelic confusion said, "Well, you know, 'don we now our GAY APPAREL fa la la la la la la la la' ? I just didn't understand that."

and still didn't, thanks to good ol' Mom.




So I've decided that I will wait until the Son asks me for a more thorough explanation of Diane's family. Instead, this morning I asked him what he thought about Diane having two mommies. And his answer was simple:
"Well, I think she might need a Dad to help her do some stuff."
like what?
"Oh, you know, like move furniture."

And then it all made sense.
Diane and her Mommies are moving to a new house in a few weeks, and my Son, my sensitive, generous and practical boy, was concerned that maybe they'd be at a loss without a Daddy to help them lift the heavy stuff.
A quick mention of strong women and lots of friends to help, and he was on his way, worry-free.


fa la la la la la la la la.