I post this with permission...no, BY REQUEST....from my now teenaged daughter.
She wants me to write a book- but my laundry pile is too high already.
Anyway, passing along some words of wisdom (or not, as the case may be).
Happy Birthday.
Dearest You,
I can 't believe that you are 13 today. As I write this, you have been 13 for about an hour and a half... do you feel older yet?
I wanted to tell you a few things that you probably already know, but might need to be reminded of:
-You have been loved every minute of your life. Since the very moment I knew you were alive inside of me. There has never been a moment of your existence when you weren't the center of our universe-and there never will be.
- Remember that when you make new friends-especially when you start to date. No one can love you like Dad and I do- but they should come pretty darn close.
- Boys are less mature than girls. This is a fact. They just take way longer to catch up than you'd expect. They are also giant hormones, and most will say or do anything to get you to think they are desirable and worthy of attention. You will- WILL, I promise- be caught in a moment of decision many times (and hopefully not for a few more years). But in case I forget to tell you, let me say this now: Guys lie most of the time. They can't help it. They just have a total lack of sense when it comes to sex and the possibility of having someone beautiful and sweet be with them. Be aware of this.
In fact, EXPECT IT.
But don't be afraid of it.
You CAN say NO, and if he really does care about you, he will be ok with that. And if he's not, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't care enough about your feelings to back off and be sensitive to your needs? No guy is worth you going against your true feelings. And any guy who tempts you to do so will only bring you hurt.
That is the truth.
- That is not to say that you can avoid all Dating Pain. You can't. There will be bad choices and unpleasant surprises, and a lot of hurt feelings. BUT there will also be a lot of fun, learning how to have relationships, and, I hope, learning about yourself and what you want out of a life-partner.
- No matter how much you think these days of your life are the most important- they aren't. Your life is just beginning, and in many ways has not yet begun. Use this time to explore and learn and play- and don't worry too much about the other "grown up" stuff. Don't think that drugs or alcohol or sex will make you cool, or help you feel more confident or something. They won't- they just make you stupid, and vulnerable to all kinds of bad situations that even adults don't handle well.
I think you will make good choices...I want you to just enjoy being a healthy and happy teenager, ok?
-I do trust you. I may not trust other people, and I may make decisions that make you feel that I don't believe in your ability to make your own choices- but I hope you know deep down (when you're wishing I would just go away), that I will only do what I know in my heart is the best thing for you. And that it is my job to help you grow into a wise and fulfilled woman. Even if that means that I say ,"No" a lot. I also plan to say , "Yes" a lot more than I want to.
- You CAN talk to me about anything. So far, I think we've kept that a part of our relationship. Sometimes it's more like fighting, but mostly it's all about sharing. As you get older, you may decide that I'm just not the one you want knowing some things about you. And I get it-- been there (you know your Gramma). But I hope you try me sometimes, and if you can't, I hope you go to Aunt Bets or Aunt Jen or Tracy- or someone who has known you a very long time and loves you. It's easy to think that friends have all the answers, because most teens think they DO- but the truth is (as I have painfully learned), when you need advice on the big stuff, your best bet is to go to an adult who really cares about YOU.
-Always trust your instincts. If something is going on that you really don't want me to know about, ask yourself why. Grandma Sis told me once that if you're thinking of doing something that you'd be embarrassed or ashamed to tell your parents about, then you need to take that as God's way of telling you to NOT DO IT. All "Guardian Angel" talk aside, think about the truth in this.
- When you make mistakes- and you will -I hope you remember that you can do nothing that would ever make us turn our backs on you. Nothing. And that we will always help you solve any problems. Oh, and please try to remember that it's a whole lot easier to fix something if you come to us right away. When you're a teenager, it's easy to believe that a good lie or maybe a few of them will get you out of trouble, but that NEVER works- at least not for long. Let me repeat this: LYING NEVER WORKS. All it does is make it harder for others to trust you- and it takes a long time to live that down. The same goes for RUNNING AWAY (literally or figuratively), BLAMING SOMEONE ELSE, or IGNORING THE SITUATION.
Come to me, or Dad or another adult, ok? I promise you, nothing is unfixable, despite what you might believe as it's happening.
- For the record: Just about everything that you think matters in life as a teenager will not even begin to show up on your "importance radar" when you hit about 25. This is the one thing that teens don't know, and I, for one was never told. Despite everything that you might learn over the next few years, by the time you get to college, no one cares how much or who you dated, what kind of clothes you wore, what kind of grades you got, or anything except what kind of person all those experiences led you to become. The geekiest outcast and the most popular cheerleaders all end up in the same "grown-up pile" in just a few short years.
- BE YOURSELF. BE YOURSELF. BE YOURSELF.
You are the ONLY YOU there is. And the coolest people are the "different"ones- not the ones who wear the same clothes everyone else does. Think about it.
- Be a LEADER. Following is ok, but when push comes to shove, forge the path of enlightenment and follow your heart.
- Be AMBITIOUS. Sometimes that just means that you are the first to volunteer for the Debate team. Sometimes it means that you get your homework done on Friday instead of waiting for Sunday night. And sometimes it means that you open doors that others ignore. If you see something you want, go for it! Sure, you might fail, but if you never try, how will you know? I lived my whole life afraid to be teased or make a mistake. What a waste. Defy Gravity as often as you can, kiddo.
- You are now old enough to understand that you have a responsibility for helping raise your brother and sister. No, you don't have to go get a job- but you do need to always keep in mind that you are a role model for them. How you live your life- in anger or joy, laughter or arguments- will affect them more deeply than anything your Dad and I do. That may seem unfair, but it's the way life works. You are the pioneer for them, and your love and concern for them will bring you more blessings in your lifetime than you can imagine right now. Try to keep that in mind the next time Liv makes you want to scream.
- DO NOT HATE YOUR FATHER AND ME. You will want to. Please try really hard to remember that someday you will regret the horrible things you might say to us. Worse, you will be embarrassed when we call this to your attention in front of your own children.
-You are no longer a child. But you will always be my baby.
My first. My angel girl. This means that I reserve the right to hug you when you hate me, and demand a good night kiss when you least expect it.
-You are Strong. Smart. Funny. Beautiful. Sensitive. Kind. Talented. Creative. Silly. Loyal. Insightful. Inquisitive. Loving. Caring. Helpful. Hopeful... and the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me.
- I thank God for you every day.
Happy Birthday, my big girl...the least WICKED girl I know.
I love you more than you can possibly comprehend and always will. Forever.
Mommy
