Life Goes On

Grief is bizarre.
I feel like I've been on a long road trip; one where the motels were ok, but we had to eat at McDonald's too much and the air conditioner in the car was out. Not unbearable, but by day 2, you can't physically handle any more. And yet we don't stop, don't go back, and don't find a better burger. Because, truly, the scenery is beautiful, the company comforting, the music fine, and when we get to where we're going, we'll be where we're supposed to be.
Still, what an exhausting journey.

Now, I have a life to get back to.

SO-
a few things I've noticed, and I reserve the right to expand on any of this at another time:

- Excuse me, but did I read that a Catholic priest refused to give Communion to 100 Catholic gays - because they were wearing rainbow banners? Ummm... have you SEEN the costumes those priests wear? Ok, maybe that's simplifying it.... but not much.

- Idol. CONSTANTINE GONE??? Apparently it's not a talent contest. And now we know that it's not even a popularity contest.

- RAYMOND.... ok, do it already.

- STAR WARS.... ditto

- Here in LA we are voting tomorrow for our new mayor.
No one will win- especially not us.
But my point here is that is that PHONE POLLS should be ILLEGAL. We have had well over 30 calls in the last 2 weeks- at least 2 a day. That's just rude.
I actually had some idiot girl tell me that unless I told her how I planned to vote, she would keep calling me until I did.
She claimed, "You're supposed to tell us who you're voting for, otherwise we have to keep calling until you do." Huh?
After a Civics lesson with her Supervisor (you didn't think I'd just let that one go, did you?), I started responding to each new call thusly:
Yes, you want to know who I am voting for. I am not going to tell you. Your harassment goes against my American freedom to vote anonymously and I am considering a lawsuit to stop this kind of campaigning.
Not that I am, really. But they claim it's for "polling purposes", and it is SO not. They think it keeps the Candidate's name in our minds- and that may be. But , for me, it makes me LESS LIKELY to WANT to vote, and certainly not vote for the one who's BUGGING me the most.

yeah, but isn't that how we ALL vote, anyway?

still, that doesn't explain Constantine.

the mist of may

The mist of May is in the gloamin',
and all the clouds are holdin' still.
So take my hand and let's go roamin'
through the heather on the hill.

The mornin' dew is blinkin' yonder.
There's lazy music in the rill,
And all I want to do is wander
through the heather on the hill.

There may be other days as rich and rare.
There may be other springs as full and fair.
But they won't be the same--they'll come and go,

For this I know:

That when the mist is in the gloamin',
and all the clouds are holdin' still,
If you're not there I won't go roamin'
through the heather on the hill,
The heather on the hill.

She's Gone!

Yesterday, May 1, 2005. And She is gone.

My Grandmother went home to her Lord.

She was peaceful and ready to go, surrounded by love and prayers.

Throughout the evening before, many of her children and grandchildren sat around her bed and sang for her. We are a singing family- and She was never happier than when we all got together to harmonize for her. "On the Willows", "In My Life", "Circle Game"....hours on end of her favorites. Those of us who were not there in body were able to be there via cell phones held in the air. It was truly awesome to hear this gathering of grief-ridden children (and in those moments, we all were very much children) giving a last gift of pleasure and comfort to their Mother.

When She finally seemed to tire, everyone went to home to a restless attempt to sleep, recalling her labored breathing and pale skin.

Waiting for the phone to ring.

At around 2 am pst, her system had shut down, but She seemed to be struggling to keep breathing. The decision was made by her hospice nurse that She was hanging on for some "reason", and suggested that everyone be called to "give permission" for Gram to let go.

All the local family members were called back to the house, and phone calls were made to those of us who were unable to leave our isolated posts. Throughout the night, a steady stream of "bon voyage" and "be free"s were joyfully spoken to her.

Still, She stayed with us until the very last child; my Mom , who we had been unable to reach at the hospital until around 9am pst. As Mom told Gram to "Go for it!" and told her how happy we all are to see her be with Jesus, She slipped away.

The phone rings.

I was aware of what was happening all night

I know what this phone call is.

"She's gone!"

my baby sister sobs into my ear

and we cry together.

but they are tears of relief

as well as sorrow.

it is not over.

We will grieve for many more days

years

forever

but

the anticipation

the worry

the anxiety

is gone.

She took it with her.

And, hey, I appreciate that.

Gram would so do that for us.

She's kinda Jesus-y that way.

We giggle through our tears.

She waited, as any good Catholic Mother would, for May 1st-

the first day of the month of the Virgin Mother.

Even more fitting, it is a glorious Sabbath Sunday.

We all have been joking about that for a few days, but, sure enough, our Rosary-toting Matriarch stayed true to her nature! And, oh so true to her FAITH.

And, coincidentally, there was a fairly large (for the Midwest) earthquake yesterday---WE know what that was all about!

There is so much to say, and too much to feel, but this is a start.

I appreciate the private emails I have received from so many of you- thank you.

tbc...